What Meaning Do You Assign To Your Life?
I’m doing two courses at the moment, a Food Body Spirit course through a Sufi University and a 6 month course with high vibration teacher plant essences. Both courses are bringing up a lot of memories from my childhood.
The Shame Game
The core energy I am experiencing in the healings is around Elevation. To raise me up so subsequently I am having a lot of shame coming to the surface, as shame is the lowest vibration we can experience.
I was raised in a very patriarchal family, and my early school days were governed by what can only be described as a sadistic headmaster. He singled me out as he had issues with my father, as my father was the Chairman of the School Committee. I suspect the further back through the generations you go his style of commandership was considered normal, as you spared the rod and spoiled the child.
Shaming, violence and humiliation were the order of the day. That’s how you kept kids in line. Like cattle being prodded.
I don’t like groups and especially don’t like learning in a class situation so I like to do all my study on my own. I can see why now. The fear, violence and shaming in the classroom when I was age 5-10 contributed to brain freeze, and I often froze in high school in a classroom setting.
So I came away thinking I only went to school to eat my play lunch and that I wasn’t a good learner. And alot of fear of authority, and fear of my voice.
For me one of the biggest ways I was shamed was by attributing what I did to being female. So subsequently everything I have done, or do, I assign a meaning of less than to, and to counteract that I puff myself up to feel important or meaningful, but the core feeling I have is of feeling worth-less.
One of the biggest areas I struggle is in cooking. I don’t like to cook and I see why now. I attributed this to being woman’s work and so therefore had less of a value. Where in fact cooking is neutral, it’s the meaning I assigned to it.
I realised that I assign meaning and value to things. Myself, my day, my life, my purpose, my beliefs, what I watch on TV, if I decide to put nail polish on, or put out the trash, or do the dishes, or stay in bed. They are all neutral in value, but I give them their worth.
And the worth I had been giving them was less-than. Because they were the patriarchal voices in my head, drilled into me, that I had to obey. Those voices were very hard to identify because I just did as they were told. But experienced it as anxiety because they were not my true beliefs, if they were I would be experiencing peace.. They were anchored in early child experiences. Still alive in my subconscious.
What meaning and worth are you assigning to things in your life and where did that meaning come from?